For April

I moved to Brooklyn, New York on November 15th with the help of my family and friends, specifically my boyfriend, Brad and my mom and her boyfriend, Doug.

I got a job. Well, two jobs actually.  La Lanterna Di Vitorrio was the first, which was a fucking disaster. No training, long hours, paid under the table sort of thing...yeah. no.  Quit that one by not showing up for a shift. Classic. It was the easiest option.  I work at Carmine's on 44th street now.  I deal with a ton of tourists and foreigners and exceptional weirdos every day.  That description is also used to describe my coworkers.  Like any job, I get along with a few fellow employees and pretty much despise the rest.  A busser told me the other day that the zits on my chin disgusted him. WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT????????? Anyway, I make decent money.  Sometimes it's really hard.

New York is really hard.  It's really hard for me today.  And the past few days.  But maybe it's not supposed to be easy.  Maybe I'm supposed to work through this.  I know if Brad were reading this, he'd give me some line about how nothing is "suppose" to be, yadda yadda yadda. I love him. Gail says, "Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness." I have to work through it. I may still feel this way every once in a while and I might change my mind about New York.  But I need to give it more of a chance. I deserve that.

I don't want this to change me for the worse.  I don't want to become a hardened New Yorker. I like me. New York will only change me for the better because that's only what I'll allow.

This is my journal. This is for my thoughts. and Fears, and depressions, and happiness. and love. and loneliness. and shortcomings. and triumphs. This is for me.